Hard to get

Rich Mullins was a man. I think that is how he would want to be remembered, and that is why I love him. He died in a car accident a few years ago. He was a "Christian" musician. I call him that because his music was predominantly sold in Christian music stores. I don't trust Christians a whole lot, not because they are bad, but more because they aren't trustworthy. They are always looking for ways to say things are better than they are, or making up reasons where none exists. And if they aren't doing that, then they are blaming others for not doing that. Rich Mullins was the opposite of that. He was just a man and because of it, an amazing one.

I have been thinking about one of his songs now for days..."Hard to Get." Beautiful and sad, he wrote it just a bit before he died. I found this video of him preforming in someone's living room on youtube. In it, he says something that I find profound. "One of the things that continues to blow me away is how [the scriptures] say all the wrong things. Your Sunday school teachers ain't gonna tell you what the scriptures mean. Cause ah... We want God to inspire confidence, and what God wants to inspire is fear. We want God to give us all kinds of assurances, and what God wants to give us is faith. And we want to become healthy and prosperous and unaffected by the world, and He wants us to encounter the world in such a way as he did, which is a way that will eventually kill us. So we ask for all the wrong things and we get all the wrong things. That's why I think its hard for a rich person to get into heaven, because they've been going the wrong direction for so long, its hard to turn around."

We live in this violent world, and its hard. I am desperately afraid of losing the ones that I love, or having them lose me in some awful way. This is no small thing, and to make light of it, or it's effect on the people that live in this world seems so wrong to me. I hate the whole "God has a plan" mentality, because if it was God's plan for Molly Bish to be murdered by some terrible person, then that is not a good God in my mind. People die of diseases and their kids are left here, hurt beyond healing, and we see it happen and are hurt as well. And what is left is a world veering from injury, desperately trying to avoid horror after horror. Diets, security systems, door locks, medicines, vitamins, wealth, good neighborhoods, Christianity has somehow become a guide to the good life, and those who fall short are cast out for fear of contamination... an insult to injury that is so commonly committed. Why can't we all just say that we don't understand why all of this happens here and be done with it? Why can't we just comfort those who mourn without trying to find their faults? In my understanding of God, He came here to suffer and find us in our suffering, not to create ways for us not to. What kind of God does that, and why would He? What is there for us to find in all of this?

This world is a violent, beautiful place. We love so strongly here. We tie ourselves to others with commitment that must transcend death, because it has suffered through an amazingly traumatic life and survived. And the terrible drama of it all is that we are still taken from each other. In the face of our promises and oaths and desperate need. We are taken in violence and sickness and in turmoil and sometimes in peace. But we are all taken, one by one. How can anybody look at that and then blame the people that are suffering for their own actions. My only hope is in a God that loves so strongly and with such abandon, that he can see into our hurt and understand us and our misgivings, even about Himself.

Here are the lyrics to what has been taking up room in my head for the past few days. I will put a link up to the song as well. The quality is low because it was taped on a tape recorder and he died before it was able to be produced.

You who live in heaven 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth 
Who are afraid of being left by those we love 
And who get hardened by the hurt 

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape 
To find the faith to ask for daily bread 
Did You forget about us after You had flown away 
Well I memorized every word You said 

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath 
While You're up there just playing hard to get 


You who live in radiance 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin 
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was 
Still we do love now and then 

Did You ever know loneliness 
Did You ever know need 
Do You remember just how long a night can get? 
When You were barely holding on 
And Your friends fall asleep 
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat 

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted 
While You're up there just playing hard to get? 


And I know you bore our sorrows 
And I know you feel our pain 
And I know it would not hurt any less 
Even if it could be explained 

And I know that I am only lashing out 
At the One who loves me most 
And after I figured this somehow 
All I really need to know 

Is if You who live in eternity 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time 
We can't see what's ahead 
And we can not get free of what we've left behind 
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears 
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret 

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here 
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led 
And so You've been here all along I guess 
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
~Rich Mullins




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