no power

Well.... here we are again. No power. Our house is somehow tangentially hooked to another source for power. Literally our tiny section of Rutland will loose power over and over again and no one else will. We waited forever during "The Ice Storm." It is obviously back on now... or I wouldn't be typing this. Still we were out for about 24 hours. In a way it was nice.... in a way. I really liked the silence that it brought with it. I like not being able to hear the refrigerator. I like having the kids here and involved with me. They kind of lost it a bit, if I am to be honest. During the storm, Henry and Nora were manically running around the house and I asked them to sit for a bit because they were going crazy. They literally couldn't sit still. Nora was sliding all over the couch and onto the floor repeatedly and Henry started freaking out about not being able to draw these cards he wanted to draw. At one point both kids were in tears. I just wanted them to settle. Sit. Relax a tiny bit. But they had needs. So, I lit two tapers on the kitchen table and set Henry up with some drawing stuff and took Nora to get a drink of water from the reserve water Jenny had thought to put into one of our coolers.

I got out my guitar. Nora got on the piano. She pounded random keys and I played for a while. She actually is starting to be able to carry a tune. The power outage lasted one full day. It was enough though. I can like all the candles I want, but with the risk of losing the stuff in our freezer and fridge as well as the not knowing how long it was going to be out for... I could do without the romance of candle light.

I have heard a couple of weather guys say that we are in for this kind of weather for the next seven or so years. I might just break down and buy a back up generator.

on a rainy day...

So very good....

Halloween

We got our pumpkins today. We went to Flo's Farm stand and picked out four pumpkins. I must have acquired some sort of skill at pumpkin carving at some point because I find the whole thing so much easier than I remember. I think that everything is like this though... when you are little everything seems to take years to get through. I remember being elbow deep in pumpkin guts, semi-grossed out and beat. Now it is just like fifteen minutes until jack-o-lantern.

We roast the seeds too. God I love those. They came out extra good this year for some reason.
pumpkin seeds
butter
salt

Don't clean the pumpkin seeds off... just take out the big chunks of innards. Leave the seeds slimy with the remnant of the thready stuff still on them. Then coat in a bit of butter and salt... spread them on a couple of tinfoil lined baking sheets and roast at 350 for 45 minutes. Take them out a few times to turn them over and mix the seeds. That's it. So good!!! The kids are psyched for Halloween... I am too.

Nora's Last Soccer Day

Nora had her last soccer day. It was a nice day. She did really great. She has some real strengths that are going to serve her so well when she gets a bit older. It might be a bit hard to deal with when she wields them against me for a while in her teens though. She is strong. That is the best word that I can find for her. She seems to possess this self-strength that is kind of amazing for such a little girl. And she's smart. Strong and Smart... and pretty darn good at soccer.

breathe in breathe out

So.... I have to get surgery. It isn't open heart surgery or anything that dramatic... its an ablation. My surgeon is going to thread a wire through big veins in my legs up to my heart, test which nerves are feeding back incorrectly, and sever the bad, or extra ones. I have had this done before. It didn't go so well. I was there double the expected length of time and they had to call the procedure unsuccessful. It did actually sever the extra nerve in the long run though... through scarring, after about six months. I appears now though, that I have another... yes, another, nerve.

The worst thing about this is how fast the turn over is. Bad heart thing on Sunday: Surgery in two Tuesdays. And that was from a week ago. So....... surgery in a week. I am flipping out. I am literally splitting my mind in half... well not literally. I am ok... no I am not ok. And then I am ok again. And... honestly, I am not ok.

Here is what's killing me. The risk. I want to not die because of a heart procedure. I would much rather die by driving off of a bridge while being chased be the CIA. You know, while I am in control. I am afraid of going to sleep and waking up with a pacemaker (one of the possibilities) or not waking up at all. I am afraid of not being in control of myself. That is the big deal. That is why I freak out. I am kind of freaking out right now in fact even just admitting that. I go in for a pre-surgery pep talk and testing on Friday.... Freaking out about that. I try to imagine the whole thing happening. I have been through this once before. I think of the stupid Johnny thing... freak out about it. I think of getting the IV... freaking out about that. The last time I nearly passed out when I got that IV. I think of looking up at the face of the nurse in the surgery room. Freaking out. I think of being wheeled everywhere on that bed thing. Freaking out. And then, if I can imagine waking up from this procedure and having them tell me it was successful and the freedom that that will offer me, I start to calm down. There are risks with all surgeries. I know that. I just want to be ok. That's it. OK and with my kids and done with this stupid whole ordeal.

Done and better.

ghosts

Tomorrow I go to the doctors and find out my fate. I have this thing with fate, its a love hate relationship. Sometimes I think its on my side, sometimes not so much. Sometimes I think I see little pieces of the plan and start to freak out. "Oh, Dave is going to die because of heart surgery, so better let him start this photo a day blog so he records the last moments of his life for posterity." Sounds dumb? This is the way my mind works.

I am a bit afraid of going tomorrow and having the Dr. say that I am up for surgery, or as Jenny says... "a procedure." I am weighing the balance between getting the thing done and having to go through it. I have pretty much written it in stone that the doc is going to say that I am having it. One side of me says "One day worth of suffering and I am done (if it is successful this time) with WPW. For good. For ever." and the other side is saying "needles, being completely out of control of your own life, having little burning wires laced through me up into my heart, yeah... I can do without it." Bounce, bounce, bounce, back and forth, back and forth... in my sleep, while I work. Bad. These ghosts of bad experiences, of past worrying, way back to being tiny in the doctor's office, have been haunting me nonstop since Sunday. My family doctor when I was little, Doctor Miller, used to call me a worry wort. I used to cry when he wanted to put the tongue depressor in my mouth. When I got a shot... watch out, the world was ending. I just want to be left alone I guess.... let me walk off into the woods and die by some rock or something... just don't poke and prod me.

And yet, to be free of WPW and not have to worry about my heart flying out of control in any given situation might be worth it.... just by a little bit. Just keep me safe.

db

two kids to go

Henry and Nora are really getting used to life on the go. Today they were very... maybe too very... comfortable at play practice. Nora has found a friend, and potential babysitter (Yes!!) to help her with her homework and Henry is now comfortable enough there to roam around and discover what the stage area is like. (Never beyond eyesight though.)

It is a serious decision to take on something like directing the play when I have two small kids. Actually, the money becomes somewhat negligible when the time required is so much. For me it has become a decision of experience. Is this a good thing to submit my kids to. That is what pushed me over the edge this year. I love the kids that are part of the play. I love the atmosphere (most of the time). I especially love the little communal group that can sometimes grow out of doing this. I have seen hints of it here and there this year, but not a serious bonding like my first year yet.

Johanna has them dancing before I get there: contra dancing. I love walking into that. I love that all of these kids, that can sometimes be loners, are all involved and unafraid to touch each other. I know that sounds kinda sketchy, but I do mean it. It is a big thing for me. In the beginning, I wanted Henry involved with dance. I still do really, but he is not really going that way. I want him unafraid to be close, to know that he is OK and that people don't shun him for any reason and for him to spread that kind of acceptance to other people. This is what I find at play practice, a bunch of teenagers that transcend the awful barriers that sometimes they put up. That actually reach out in spite of class brackets and those cliche' and impossibly stratifying cliques at high school. I think that that was my most powerful discovery at my first experience with theater: these kids were selected by me, they didn't choose this group, and they became a group of close friends. Watching that process was more than beautiful.

This cast is big. The play is somewhat isolating in its portrayal of characters (If it isn't your scene, you aren't on stage). The big crunch hasn't really hit yet either, so there is time for stress and bonding to come. I want Henry and Nora to see this blend of people. Its the only thing that I think "Glee" got right. That ragtag "breakfast club" assortment of kids becoming a little closer does really exist. It is my privilege to see it and be a part of it. That is what I want my kids to see and why I directed the play this year. And I guess that makes it ok that the kids didn't step foot in our house until 7:45 that night and that we had to swing my Mcdonalds for supper? Well... I hope it does any way.