breathe in breathe out

So.... I have to get surgery. It isn't open heart surgery or anything that dramatic... its an ablation. My surgeon is going to thread a wire through big veins in my legs up to my heart, test which nerves are feeding back incorrectly, and sever the bad, or extra ones. I have had this done before. It didn't go so well. I was there double the expected length of time and they had to call the procedure unsuccessful. It did actually sever the extra nerve in the long run though... through scarring, after about six months. I appears now though, that I have another... yes, another, nerve.

The worst thing about this is how fast the turn over is. Bad heart thing on Sunday: Surgery in two Tuesdays. And that was from a week ago. So....... surgery in a week. I am flipping out. I am literally splitting my mind in half... well not literally. I am ok... no I am not ok. And then I am ok again. And... honestly, I am not ok.

Here is what's killing me. The risk. I want to not die because of a heart procedure. I would much rather die by driving off of a bridge while being chased be the CIA. You know, while I am in control. I am afraid of going to sleep and waking up with a pacemaker (one of the possibilities) or not waking up at all. I am afraid of not being in control of myself. That is the big deal. That is why I freak out. I am kind of freaking out right now in fact even just admitting that. I go in for a pre-surgery pep talk and testing on Friday.... Freaking out about that. I try to imagine the whole thing happening. I have been through this once before. I think of the stupid Johnny thing... freak out about it. I think of getting the IV... freaking out about that. The last time I nearly passed out when I got that IV. I think of looking up at the face of the nurse in the surgery room. Freaking out. I think of being wheeled everywhere on that bed thing. Freaking out. And then, if I can imagine waking up from this procedure and having them tell me it was successful and the freedom that that will offer me, I start to calm down. There are risks with all surgeries. I know that. I just want to be ok. That's it. OK and with my kids and done with this stupid whole ordeal.

Done and better.