ghosts

Tomorrow I go to the doctors and find out my fate. I have this thing with fate, its a love hate relationship. Sometimes I think its on my side, sometimes not so much. Sometimes I think I see little pieces of the plan and start to freak out. "Oh, Dave is going to die because of heart surgery, so better let him start this photo a day blog so he records the last moments of his life for posterity." Sounds dumb? This is the way my mind works.

I am a bit afraid of going tomorrow and having the Dr. say that I am up for surgery, or as Jenny says... "a procedure." I am weighing the balance between getting the thing done and having to go through it. I have pretty much written it in stone that the doc is going to say that I am having it. One side of me says "One day worth of suffering and I am done (if it is successful this time) with WPW. For good. For ever." and the other side is saying "needles, being completely out of control of your own life, having little burning wires laced through me up into my heart, yeah... I can do without it." Bounce, bounce, bounce, back and forth, back and forth... in my sleep, while I work. Bad. These ghosts of bad experiences, of past worrying, way back to being tiny in the doctor's office, have been haunting me nonstop since Sunday. My family doctor when I was little, Doctor Miller, used to call me a worry wort. I used to cry when he wanted to put the tongue depressor in my mouth. When I got a shot... watch out, the world was ending. I just want to be left alone I guess.... let me walk off into the woods and die by some rock or something... just don't poke and prod me.

And yet, to be free of WPW and not have to worry about my heart flying out of control in any given situation might be worth it.... just by a little bit. Just keep me safe.

db