caught

I woke at 5 this morning to my bedside light on. My best guess is that Nora woke sometime during the night and came in to our bedroom to make sure we were still there. She then went to sleep in Henry's room. She denies it, but I am right.

I was up early so I took Chaucer for a walk. I got this picture for Henry. We have been waiting for the crab spiders to come out. This one's early, they normally show up in August.

Hard to get

Rich Mullins was a man. I think that is how he would want to be remembered, and that is why I love him. He died in a car accident a few years ago. He was a "Christian" musician. I call him that because his music was predominantly sold in Christian music stores. I don't trust Christians a whole lot, not because they are bad, but more because they aren't trustworthy. They are always looking for ways to say things are better than they are, or making up reasons where none exists. And if they aren't doing that, then they are blaming others for not doing that. Rich Mullins was the opposite of that. He was just a man and because of it, an amazing one.

I have been thinking about one of his songs now for days..."Hard to Get." Beautiful and sad, he wrote it just a bit before he died. I found this video of him preforming in someone's living room on youtube. In it, he says something that I find profound. "One of the things that continues to blow me away is how [the scriptures] say all the wrong things. Your Sunday school teachers ain't gonna tell you what the scriptures mean. Cause ah... We want God to inspire confidence, and what God wants to inspire is fear. We want God to give us all kinds of assurances, and what God wants to give us is faith. And we want to become healthy and prosperous and unaffected by the world, and He wants us to encounter the world in such a way as he did, which is a way that will eventually kill us. So we ask for all the wrong things and we get all the wrong things. That's why I think its hard for a rich person to get into heaven, because they've been going the wrong direction for so long, its hard to turn around."

We live in this violent world, and its hard. I am desperately afraid of losing the ones that I love, or having them lose me in some awful way. This is no small thing, and to make light of it, or it's effect on the people that live in this world seems so wrong to me. I hate the whole "God has a plan" mentality, because if it was God's plan for Molly Bish to be murdered by some terrible person, then that is not a good God in my mind. People die of diseases and their kids are left here, hurt beyond healing, and we see it happen and are hurt as well. And what is left is a world veering from injury, desperately trying to avoid horror after horror. Diets, security systems, door locks, medicines, vitamins, wealth, good neighborhoods, Christianity has somehow become a guide to the good life, and those who fall short are cast out for fear of contamination... an insult to injury that is so commonly committed. Why can't we all just say that we don't understand why all of this happens here and be done with it? Why can't we just comfort those who mourn without trying to find their faults? In my understanding of God, He came here to suffer and find us in our suffering, not to create ways for us not to. What kind of God does that, and why would He? What is there for us to find in all of this?

This world is a violent, beautiful place. We love so strongly here. We tie ourselves to others with commitment that must transcend death, because it has suffered through an amazingly traumatic life and survived. And the terrible drama of it all is that we are still taken from each other. In the face of our promises and oaths and desperate need. We are taken in violence and sickness and in turmoil and sometimes in peace. But we are all taken, one by one. How can anybody look at that and then blame the people that are suffering for their own actions. My only hope is in a God that loves so strongly and with such abandon, that he can see into our hurt and understand us and our misgivings, even about Himself.

Here are the lyrics to what has been taking up room in my head for the past few days. I will put a link up to the song as well. The quality is low because it was taped on a tape recorder and he died before it was able to be produced.

You who live in heaven 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth 
Who are afraid of being left by those we love 
And who get hardened by the hurt 

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape 
To find the faith to ask for daily bread 
Did You forget about us after You had flown away 
Well I memorized every word You said 

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath 
While You're up there just playing hard to get 


You who live in radiance 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin 
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was 
Still we do love now and then 

Did You ever know loneliness 
Did You ever know need 
Do You remember just how long a night can get? 
When You were barely holding on 
And Your friends fall asleep 
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat 

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted 
While You're up there just playing hard to get? 


And I know you bore our sorrows 
And I know you feel our pain 
And I know it would not hurt any less 
Even if it could be explained 

And I know that I am only lashing out 
At the One who loves me most 
And after I figured this somehow 
All I really need to know 

Is if You who live in eternity 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time 
We can't see what's ahead 
And we can not get free of what we've left behind 
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears 
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret 

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here 
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led 
And so You've been here all along I guess 
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
~Rich Mullins




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The Day After

So, I forgot my camera at my friend Amy's house the day before yesterday..... awful. I can't believe how aggravated I was. I have really grown accustomed to having it with me, due to this blog. I pretty much carry it with me all the time. I was in Gardner this morning and pretty much killing myself because I didn't have it with me. Crazy. So, This entry is for Monday. I don't have one for yesterday or today because of my freaking missing camera.... grrrr. But I am back in business for tonight and tomorrow.

Monday, we get together with a couple of other families, I know I have talked about that before. We have food, we talk, its nice. Tonight I brought a bunch of summer rolls that I made. They were in the new fine cooking magazine that I have been getting for over ten years. Henry is complete obsessed with egg rolls, spring rolls, and now summer rolls. They were kind of intensive to make, but they were fun and light and the three dipping sauces that I made: Sweet and Sour, Spicy peanut, and sweet hot oil, were really good and fun to dip into.

So, that's my recap. Glad to be con-camera. Back to it.

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My Birthday

I am 41. I never thought I would last this long. Seriously, I used to pray that I would make it past 30. I think my Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome thinger really played a big part of that. Something about your heart speeding up to super-human levels and going off into crazy rhythm patterns at random times gives you something of a death fixation.

My birthday was actually kind of wonderful. As I grow older, life is becoming less and less about myself and more about the people around me. Its nice. Its definitely a product of having and and truly caring about my kids. Such a strange thing, this transition of life moving away from myself... god I hope its not a transition to death... slowly losing yourself into oblivion. I chose my own gift this year, it makes it a lot easier on Jen. She kind of stresses out about those kind of things. I chose a nice pan and some silverware....slipping into oblivion. Whatever, I do a lot of cooking around here, and I wanted a nice searing pan... we have all nonstick, and I needed one that could put some crunch on some chicken skin! 

Jen made this awesome cake that she has made for the last couple of years, pineapple on the bottom, cream cheese on the top. Yum. I made lobster rolls and a cold corn salad. My parents stopped over for a tiny bit with half a blueberry cake, that was really good. The McRells came over on a whim and ate with us. Nice, relaxed, lobster, no drama, just life. It was great. 41 is actually feeling pretty good.  Now if I could lose this weight. :)

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Keeping it going

Henry and Nora are both so curious. I have this solid idea of what learning should be. School sometimes gets in the way of that. I try, really, with everything in me, to not let it get in the way in my class, but things like the social and academic ranking of grades and such are unavoidable to some degree in public school. Its a shame really. But that is what summer is for. In the summer, I kind of unschool my kids. I think hard about their interests and try to customize their learning throughout the months they have "off". Tonight was like that. I want Nora to learn how to print better. She isn't really interested in that. So, I made it interesting. It was a treasure hunt, decoding the riddle to hunt down the hidden piece of candy. She loved it and begged for another. Its all about the package. Learning can be amazing, or a complete bear. She sounded out the words, printed out the first letter and pieced together the puzzle. Henry then begged for me to do one for him. The picture is of Henry's puzzle. There was a piece of candy hidden somewhere in the house. He showed some critical thinking and worked out the answer. I think this is a game that we will be playing in the days to come.
Go Learning!

Crustaceans from the sky

I am not spontaneous. There, Ive said it. I used to be. Actually, I used to refuse to make any sort of plan whatsoever. I used to hate planning anything. But life gets more serious as you get older, and in my case at least, most of that spontaneity has to give way to paying bills on time and planning lessons and getting Henry to fencing and so on and so on. Today just materialized out of no where. I was pooped from our trip to Niagara and looking forward to a low-key day. Henry, pulled the trigger on a play date with one of his best friends, Kalinna. Nora, then got totally upset and we hunted around for someone to come over to play with her, namely, Cora. Then the day seemed to take off and we wound up going to our friends, the McRell's house for lobster and corn. 

I know this sounds like a typical summer day to some of you, but it really isn't for me. It was nice to let the day unravel and spend some time with friends. 

Niagara Falls....Slowly I Turn

So today was basically a huge drive. Almost eight hours of driving... sheesh... and I had the maniacal idea that I didn't want to stop at all. We started our long drive with one last attraction, The Bird Kingdom. It was resplendent with zillions of birds. I kinda have a thing for birds... But they aren't as awesome when in captivity. Henry liked the poison dart frogs, Nora was generally happy about the whole thing. Not a bad quick stop. Oh, and I made friends with this Victoria Crowned Pigeon. He apparently decided I need grooming.... a common enough thought... And we were off.

We did stop, several times, for bathroom breaks and one very quick lunch, but that was that. I rigged up my iPad, with a bungie between our two seats, as a portable movie theater, complete with surround sound due to the port into the car speakers, and the kids got to enjoy, and we got to "listen to" two movies. um....Tin Tin and Disney's Hercules. I gotta tell you, that worked even better than I thought it would. They were lulled into a time-travel type of incubated sleep and we were able to fly down the New York Throughway without pause. Not too bad.

I am happy to be home.

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