big inflatable nightmares

Nora was out for a late-night birthday party tonight. She had a great time: flying down the slides jumping into other kid's in inflatable castles, shooting foam balls out of high pressure air guns. It was of course a total nightmare for me.

I don't hate inflatable jumpy thingys or being around rowdy children, its the adults that get me. I am not a social being. I am that guy that doesn't like crowds.......times ten. I have a pretty light case of Aspergers..... I have had it my whole life. I of course had no idea what it was I had when I was younger. This probably doesn't come as a surprise to those who knew me in high school. It might come as a bit more of a surprise to those I know now....actually, maybe not.

 I went through all of these classes when I was younger, all the way through high school actually... they had no idea. It turns out that Aspergers wasn't diagnosed at that specific stretch of time. I don't know why. Did it go out of vogue? Who knows. But that is what I have. It manifests itself in sneaky... and not so sneaky ways in my life. I can't pay attention to something that doesn't intrinsically interest me for long. I always slide away into my own thoughts. I have come up with ways to fight it off of course, couldn't get through college without that. I draw a lot when I am supposed to pay attention, like at meetings etc. (I know this must lead to interesting opinions of me) My college notebooks are filled.... FILLED with drawings. I did really well that way. I learned not only to cope, but to excel. It took a while, but I understand myself a lot better now, and what to expect from myself as well.

And one thing that I know about myself is that I hate being in crowds of people, even people that I know sometimes, especially people that I don't, especially people that are judging me because my daughter is in their daughter's class. I literally do not understand small talk. It completely doesn't compute. I know some people say that, but I really really mean it, in a way that those without Aspergers might have a hard time understanding. Sometimes I think I am kind of faking it and getting away with it, but eventually whoever it is figures it out and gives me the slightly bewildered, "I don't understand" look, and walks away. I don't blame them. I have no idea how to talk to them.

Its funny that teaching doesn't fall under that category for me. I think its because I am in charge. I know what to talk about and how to do it. I am actually pretty good at it.... and I use the thing for my advantage. I teach a class that remains interesting, and fun, because I can't remain focused any other way.

In a very backward way, I think that being misunderstood by my teachers my entire lower schooling career shot me out toward becoming a teacher myself: One big cathartic reaction to change a screwed up system for the better. But I guess I can get into that later sometime.

I bring a book most times. I like to read.

db