Both Nora and Henry went to school today........They are both school age......... (panic). I literally could not stop thinking about Nora all day. I would go for a little bit and then get this stomachy, somethings-wrong feeling. I just didn't want her to cry, and she didn't. She had a great day. Jenny followed her to school in the car and snapped a couple of pictures/videos of her at school. She sat with our neighbor down the street who is the same age. They became quick friends.
Henry's day wasn't so nice. His actual day went pretty well, except for getting lost and winding up in a fourth grade class for a few minutes. His morning wasn't too great though. Two busses came to pick him up. Jen had to work out which bus was the correct one and in the confusion (not a good thing for Henry's mind) Chaucer got out and was running all around the busses. Henry was concerned that he would be hit by one (he actually just told me that he was scared for him as I was putting him to bed). Also, it was completely raining and, well, just a chaotic first morning. He did say he liked his teacher though, when he came home, forty five minutes late............ Henry's teacher called to check in on how he was doing after his "wandering away." I guess they had to hunt him down... It's not so bad, I know. But he's mine, with all of his strengths (which are many) and weaknesses, and it seems so redundant to let someone else try to know all of this about him and know how to treat him the right way. I know that Henry is also growing from the new relationships, and that's comforting. I just sometimes wish I could just focus on my two kids and let the rest of the world do what it wants to.
After I took Chaucer for his walk (I took this picture of the bumblebee there. They tend to cling to flowers at night and wait until the dew dries to fly around again) I went to school today. The kids didn't, but the day before they come is usually filled with meetings and information and general getting ready. Its also my most nerve wracking day. My mind usually races with what my students might be like this year. How will I have to bend in order to help them all, to meet all of their needs? Its a struggle. My student load has been going up, non-stop for five years. Teaching, if its done right, is super complicated.... a massive game of chess. Where do I position myself, and for how long, in order to make the greatest impact for the greatest amount of kids. It's kind of crazy really. But I love it.
I have these crazy writing prompts that I throw at my students. They are completely off their radar and purposefully so. My whole goal is to get them out of the ruts that naturally form from being so long in school. Writing, whether it be poetry or prose, really starts to shine when it illuminates things from a strong, and new point of view. That's what the goal is, to get them thinking and not just recirculating easily remembered information. So, I throw them into strange places, and force them to swim around in there for 10 minutes in the beginning of my classes. That writing is never graded ( I want them to feel safe enough to take risks in what they are writing) and I never force them to read it out loud. Its become a tradition of sorts for me to start with one particular writing prompt. "Here is an orange. Take a full ten minutes of non-stop writing and describe the thing. Take chances. Use all of your senses. Think about simile and other ways of describing the thing. And, you can never use the word "orange" in your writing.
I got three, pungent, fiery-red, sour, plump and juicy oranges today.
The McRell's invited us to the beach today. Well, not the actual beach, but as close to it as a I got this year. I can't really remember a year when I didn't go to the beach. We did have a great time though. It was after church, so we actually got there around 3:30 or 4:00. Not tons of time, but enough to get a taste for Newburyport. What a beautiful little town. The whole thing is made of brick. Its like being surrounded by what you wish Harvard looked like. Very beautiful. We had fun exploring all the little nooks a crannies. A little book shop here, a dragon-themed, kids toy store there. While the girls looked through a few vintage clothing stores, Kevin and I let the boys explore there way around the narrow alleyways near some "mysterious" old buildings. It was nice to spontaneously spend the last little bit of freedom I had with friends, somewhere beautiful.
I love uur kids friendship with the McRell kids. Henry and Nora completely love them, and think of them as their closest friends. (I also love that Henry is still young enough to want to hold Carter's hand as they walked together. It was perfect weather to be by the sea and a perfect way to end my vacation.
Well... my root garden this year has kind of been a flop so far. My herbs are doing well, but the others, not so much. These, although beautiful, were really really bitter. Sad.
Jenny has been training all summer for this triathlon, and today was the day! She was pretty nervous.. as in only slept three hours last night and had the uncontrollable shakes this morning before the race type of nervous. Honestly, I am really proud of her. She made a truly decent showing at the race. She came in 23 out of over 100 or so racers. Jenny is nothing if she isn't consistent in effort. If she decides to do something, she generally gives everything she has to do it right, like for example, when she decides to hound me to the point of death to get my haircut, or the entire time she was in college and never got a "B." She has always been like this. If I dislike something, like say.... trying to build the front steps.... sometimes I put it off or sometimes drop the thing entirely. If Jen decides she is going to do it, she works hard... and does it. I wasn't surprised by her effort. She practiced consistently throughout the summer. She actually physically changed because of it... huge ripped shoulders!!! Well, maybe not huge, but definitely defined. She hated biking in the beginning of the summer. I actually teased her because she would constantly ride the break..."Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" here comes Jenny. At the race today, I think it was her strongest leg. She was somewhere in the front half of the middle at the end of swimming, but by the end of the biking leg, she was right there near the front, despite knocking over everyone else's bike while trying to get on her's and taking the time to set them all up right again before leaving.
Its inspiring really. To see her start something she's never done before, train... hard, and then find success. One of the reasons I went to college is because of watching her work hard for her success. It something that I take with me to my class... "It has very little to do with how smart you are, and really everything to do with how much you want to do well and what you are willing to sacrifice for that goal." Jen is smart, no doubt, but it is her will that really pushes her over the top and leads to the success she finds. The picture to the right is her finishing at a respectable 1:16:35. Jenny has shown me in a deep and really life altering way that the decision to do a thing the right way is a powerful thing, but the real place where the change is made is in the grinding determination to see a thing through. She should be very proud, I know that I am.
Today was my last vacation day. I have the weekend of course, but I always have those. The kids don't go in until Tuesday, but I go in for meetings and such on Monday. I asked them what they wanted to do with me today, the last bit of the summer, and they said...... Wooberry. I think the fact that they get to choose all of their own toppings or something, I don't know.... they love the place! Nora got Strawberry yogurt with M&M's and Gummy bears. I got original yogurt with salted peanuts and Orange Boba, and Henry, true to form, got crazy flavors: Peanut butter yogurt, Passionfruit Boba, and Pieces of Lychee Fruit. ha ha. He loves eating things like that. He's amazing. He would take a good salad over chicken fingers any day of the week. I love him.
Jenny's triathlon is tomorrow. She's nervous. It will be fun to take pictures of her crossing the finish line. I will have to get Nora up to get to Comet Pond for 8:30 in the morning, which might be something equal to Jen's triathlon.
I went to Bemis Farm Nursery in Spencer to pick up a couple of plants for my class. Bemis Nursery is a great place. I actually don't really go many other places for plants. Spencer itself seems to me to be an agrarian, pleasant little town. I know some people feel otherwise (especially those couple friends I have who live there) but I love the place. Its hilly and farmy, St. Joseph's abbey is in there... they have a Dairy Queen... I mean come on. That's a lot going for a place.
While I was at Yankee Candle in Deerfield with the Nymans this summer I asked Amy about this pretty little plant that had varying yellow and red flowers, and she told me it was Lantana. They had a small one there for under 10 bucks so I went ahead and bought it. The next morning this little guy showed up. Love that.
I am working my way through a few of Thoreau's works right now. I can't believe how much I am relating to his philosophies. Honestly, I think I am verging on being a Transcendentalist. I wish I had read through more of his works while I was younger. It may have changed things for me a bit.
Have you ever been in a fight? Or, how about had major surgery? There is this time that exists before something like that happens that drives you crazy. Even if what you are waiting for is essentially awful, the time before it hits can be worse. Its like that with school right now. Not that that is awful, its just .... coming. And I am waiting. I have my ducks mostly in a row, a couple are still waddling off here and there, but they are quick to fix. I made a new site for my class... in fact, here is a link. I am very happy with it this year. I made it from scratch, which I always do, but I tried for more of an apple mentality then a pc this year. Simple, clean, meaningful.
Maybe that should be my mantra this school year. Simple. Clean. Meaningful. I have been in my class a few times now. The plants are back in place, with a few new additions. The tables are in groups, the books are alphabetized. I restocked the paper. My computer is in shambles though. In fact, its on the hallway floor outside of my classroom. They gave me a new one. (this could be bad) I have a lot of things that I have collected through the years on that old one. Things like online timers and templates for all sorts of things. It will be ok... say it with me.... it will be ok.
Henry came with me on my walk this morning. He keeps talking about how things would sound if they could talk. Bugs this time. I planted that seed in his head a couple of months ago. He was nervous about something or other and I could see him pacing and rehearsing in his head. So I asked him what the trees would sound like if they could talk. We went on about it forever, mimicking the big fat oak and the spindly birch trees. Things like that stay with Henry, and with me as well I guess, they are like safety blankets. A nice place to put your mind when it wants to run away from you. Maybe Henry is nervous about school this year as well. In fact, I am sure he is. He does the same trick that I do when I am nervous about something: bury your head in the sand and never acknowledge that it exists. He hasn't wanted to get school supplies. Its coming big boy... you can't stop it. You can only embrace the thing and bend with it as it goes. As we were walking today I heard the muffled whoosh of a helicopter above us. It was cool one though... one that sounded like it was being silenced in some way (like those black ones that come at night ;) ) I zoomed way in on it and found that it was a state police copter. Cool! If you can zoom the picture in you can see its printed on the side. At any rate... what were we talking about? School or some such nonsense. I guess that its starting soon or something...
Nora is in kindergarten. Henry is in third grade. God....
They are so brave. Nora's worried. I can tell. She is afraid, and she has a right to be. We are, in essence, entrusting her to someone else for a bit each day. Thank God we are only doing this for half a day. But still. Half day kindergarten is still somewhere else, with someone else. I really want them to stay. I am going to have a rough time with this growing up thing. I know it. It seems like it is all picking up speed and I just want it to slow a bit, let me get used to things...
Nora's kindergarten teacher better be a freakin saint. I am a part of that system...on purpose. I teach in the district that they both go to school in, and that was not a coincidence. I am here, watching out for both of them. Way more than they know. And I will be here, both behind the scenes and in plain view, making sure they are ok. What else could I do, I am their father.
We are not simple. Sometimes things can penetrate the simple cover we put over ourselves and stir what is deep in us. I keep watching this video. I like Bon Iver, a lot actually, and this is my favorite song off of this album. But it is the video that dug into me. When I first saw it I kept thinking the boy in the video reminded me of Henry. Today I realized that it wasn't Henry that I was seeing in this video, it was me.
We live in these enclosed machines that walk around and see what is around us through what amounts to windows. Like cars on two feet. I move through life much of the time like a spectator. I have distinct memories of being so confused by what happened around me. people. relationships. friends. enemies. family. strangers. I remember strongly feeling that the world would someday throw me off of it, and I had no idea how to hold on. I was desperate to somehow interact with what was outside of me. I still am. Like this boy who sees the water and skips a rock across it. Interact. Make it move. Affect it. Make it a part of you. Classify it. Know its name. Step up to the waterfall and raise your hands. Be a part of it. Make it a part of you.
I spent a while alone today. Its a rare privilege... I spent three hours alone, two of which I spent in the backyard lying down first on the grass and then in Henry's fort with Chaucer, who somehow managed to get himself up there with me. And I thought, and listened. I think the whole taking pictures thing for me is to somehow internalize what is outside of me. To take it with me and make it part of who I am. I want to know who I am. I can't find it in the people around me. Honestly, I have no idea who they really are. Even my own kids are growing in ways that I don't fully understand, seeing the world in ways that I don't, or can't. I need connection. I have a really hard time finding that connection in conversation with people. I am not good at that kind of thing.
I guess I see people the way the boy sees that ocean. Throw a rock in, make it react, make it a part of you. Beyond that... I'm not sure. Even the relationships I have with my own family, who I hold very close, seem to slide sideways and slip away sometimes. And as effectively as I can, I gather them back and hope for the best.
I need to breathe and be a part of what is around me. I need to receive and give with same motion. I need hand holds...security. To know deep down who I am and to see it reflected in what I do and surround myself with. Like the boy, who by the end of the video lays back and digs his hand into the black sand. To know who I am, and where I am and what that has to do with me. I think that boy is cradled there. Held up by the black sand under him.
This blog, my writing, is not just what I see, its who I am, told in pictures and words. Its my eye that is seeing these things and then taking it, and finally retelling it here, hoping that some of you will know that much more about me. Or maybe its so I can know me that much more.
Exhausted.... I woke up early today to hit Rietta Ranch. Henry wanted to go with me, so I woke him at 6:00 and we were off. IT was actually kind of a successful trip. I bought five books for my classroom library. My goal is to get books for $2.00 a piece. That's about what I can get them for on paperback swap. Henry bought three hotwheels, a comic book and a big quartz crystal. All for two dollars.. not too bad!
I came home today and had a few things to do. I did none of them. I was just completely wiped. Nora came flying downstairs before supper, throwing kicks and punches and dressed in a wolverine costume. She's pretty convincing. I can tell you, I wouldn't want to be the arch-nemesis that faced her. Its late, and I just put away the dishes. Need to sleep....
There are certain signs that the end of summer is imminent. One of those is the fair in the center of Templeton. It was today. Like most small town fairs, it is exactly the same every year. The same venders the same people. The same everything. It is comforting in a way though. I went today (Jen didn't want to go) with the kids and Chaucer, knowing exactly what would be there, and I was right, right down to Steve Laprise (My dad's neighbor) and his wagon full of puppies. Henry and Nora got cotton candy and honey sticks and begged for stuffed animals with leashes and cheap plastic guns that break after three uses. But I prevailed and walked away with money in my pocket, void of carne toys.
Another triumph of the day, Jen made a peach pie for the first time ever.... She told me it would be too hot to have a piece tonight... she was wrong.
Jenny was a dance major. I was not a dance major. However, in my complete ineptness, I found an art form that I love. There is something about the narrative... the storytelling that really communicates well with me. I am not talking about the dance that you see on tv.... god help me... So you say you can dance style. That is dance, but it isn't what I generally like... too dramatic and soap opraish. What really gets me going is deep, communicative, suggestive dance. The kind that can pull me in and speak in a new way. Like seeing something in a completely new light. Sometimes, dance can go there.
The Nymans, close friends of ours, wanted to go out with us for a quick mini-vacation. Two days tops. So, my mind headed out: East... Boston, Cape, Beach, north end? North: White mountains, um... royalston? South: Conneticut, Rhode Island, The Coast, Mystic, Il Forno? West: Amherst, North Hampton, Springfield, Greylock, Vermont? I was stumped. The things that I really wanted to do were too far away. We could have gone to Manchester Vermont, or Conway New Hampshire... but the ride trumped the destination. Jenny finally remembered Jacob's Pillow.
We have never gone. Its a nationally famous dance concert right in Massachusetts. So we went. The trip was great. We stayed in a nice, if not old and slightly ramshackle, Bed and Breakfast and had a great time. We spent one day at Jacob's pillow. There were two concerts, the first was by Mystic Ballet. and was free to the public. It may have had something to do with the setting (it was on an outside stage with the mountains as a backdrop) but I must say, I think I liked it better than the concert we paid for. That one was a hip hop kind of deal with some actually real choreography lending an amount of real depth to their athletics. Still, I felt like there was something missing a bit. I think that might have been the depth of the message communicated by the dancers. It fell just a tiny bit flat. The trip didn't though. We spent the next day eating out, and traveling home, with a quick detour to the Yankee Candle Factory. Our kids completely love it there. The Nymans are courteous, fun and easygoing. The whole trip was a lot of fun.
Summer, for me, is about finding the beauty in simplicity. Comet pond is exactly that. Its free, and clean and small. I love to take the kids there and let them go. Well... watched of course. But I take a book and seat and a few beach toys and towels and away we go. With summer closing soon, this is what I think of. The easiness of it all. Maybe this is another blessing of not having a ton of money. If I had it, I know I would want to go all over the place and busy myself doing crazy things, but really, when it comes down to it, its really just about who you are with and your state of mind. Both of these comfortably find their place at Comet beach in the summer.
Henry woke up at 4:30.... I woke up at 4:30. Henry went back to sleep. If I wake up in the night I can go back to sleep, that is, if my mind stays in that blank woozy state where things are all mushy and thick. If I think concretely at all, I am up.... for good. So, yeah, I have been up for a while. It's ok though, I kind of wanted to be up early (not exactly that early) but before the sun shows up. School's going to start, my head and body needs to be moving toward that. I walk Chaucer for about an hour before school. Last year that precluded my biking to school, but this year, I think I have worked out a way that I can do both. But it means getting up about half an hour before sunrise every morning. Again, as terrible as that may sound, I am good with it. In my heart, I am a morning person. Its really only TV that gets in the way of perfect morningness. Those damn late night shows that are so good!
I woke this morning and watched a whole episode of Warehouse 13. Then I walked Chaucer for an hour in that stillness before the sunrises. God I love that time, when all the birds are still inactive and everything around me is just waking up. When its still cold out and even in August, I can still justify throwing on a barn jacket. Morning is for waking, and if you can manage it, some mornings your soul can wake as well as the rest of you.
This morning I hiked for an hour, rode my bike for five miles, made breakfast, showered and dressed before anyone in this house was awake. This is good.
I planted my garden late. I just am getting my first fruits from it now. Radishes... They come up first and usually I am so happy to see them. I picked a bunch today, and put them in a little bowl for supper. They were terrible. I mean super astringent and a bit woody. These radishes, Cherry Bells, are usually slightly sweet and not as spicy as store bought ones. Sad.
As a teacher, I live in this world. Tons of effort and attention, and sweat and tears, and emotionally pushing into kids lives, and sometimes it comes to nothing at all. A kid sees you as a teacher and shuts off completely. I did this to all of my teachers, without exception, until I got to college, so I know about this. Who can blame them really. We all have experienced bad teachers. I ask my students sometimes about their stories, and they tell me things that seem so amazingly bad... its hard to imaging how they came through it at all. So I strive against, sometimes a flood, of bad experience and try to undo a lot of damage. Not all teachers are bad. I have met some very good ones, but as with most things, it only takes a couple to do some real damage. Its no wonder really that a few students don't open up. Actually, its kind of a miracle that any of them do. But they do...sometimes unexpectedly like the sunflower that Nora picked from under the patio in the back of my house. The one that I didn't plant, that just grew there from the seeds that fell from the bird feeder above it.
The Mystic Aquarium was amazing. It took about an hour and forty five minutes to get there. Both Henry and Nora really enjoyed it. The thing that struck me the most though was Henry. This summer has been about swimming lessons and riding bikes, things that he has to push himself to do, much less enjoy. Finally, Henry was in his element. He was relating what he knew from the myriad books he has read to the real life animals. He walked through wide eyed , his brain clicking off information left and right. He was like a sponge. God I loved it. This is what learning is about. Research, knowledge, application and wonderment. He loved the seals, the jellyfish (of course) and touching the rays. (He just whispered that in my ear :)
The trip was interrupted by a semi-quick tropical style storm that dumped a ton of water on the park, but we stayed indoors for that time and busied ourselves with the titanic exhibit and the Sponge Bob 4D movie. Actually, both kids kind of freaked at the movie. Nora left in tears and Henry demanded to sit on my lap. We spent about five hours at the aquarium and felt like we saw everything. Mystic itself seemed just a place begging to be explored. I may go back to do just that.
Well, neither of them graduated. Nora is a lot more confident then Henry is. He is still so scared of the water. The picture above is so typical of swim lessons. The brave life guard, deftly trying to talk Henry into jumping in, or dunking under, or floating on his back, or well, you get the picture. All the while, Henry is telling them that he doesn't want to, or trying to sidetrack them with conversation about microbes, or bargaining his way out of it. He truly is scared of it, and I tell him all the time that it is a brave thing that he is doing. Facing fears in all of their variety is so difficult. Its hard though because all that he sees is the three year old jumping in next to him. Nora used this as a catalyst to become a better swimmer than Henry, and I think it worked. Although, she didn't graduate either. I think that might have something to do with going to the beach instead of swimming in a pool. Both Henry and Nora just kind of hang out on the shore line at Comet when we go.
It all doesn't matter of course, they will learn at their own pace and I will consistently push them forward in it. It's important to learn how to swim. It's almost mandatory in New England. I told the kids that we could go out either for lunch or supper in celebration of the end. They of course went for immediate satisfaction and chose lunch. I spent a while trying to think of someplace fun to take them and ended up opting for something a little different. I went to Gardner (yes that is different, but that's not what I meant) and parked the car in the center. I told them that they were going to guide me through the center, we could go in any store they chose, and that they would decide the restaurant that we ate in.
We strolled past an amazing amount of closed down, run down, broken glass store fronts. Gardner has always had it rough, but man... crazy. We wen't in an old hobby store with train tracks and battle scenes set up all over the place. An odd little jewelry/dog treat store that actually looked like it could have resided comfortably in North Hampton. (We bought Chaucer a squeaky rubber duck to chew on... its presently lost somewhere in the house). They passed up on John's sport store, but couldn't get by Priscillas. Such a great candy store... homemade and awesome. They bought salt water taffy... who wouldn't!?
They reserved their decision until the last place that we looped back too, the Gardner Ale House. I actually really liked it there. It was packed! On a Thursday afternoon, packed. It seemed like it had absorbed all that was left of the customers in Gardner. I walked in and there was Brian, my well-dressed (I've never seen him in a tie before) cousin. I guess the restaurant is his client for food sales. He's such a good kid... well, man now I guess. I am glad to see him doing so well. We sat, and I ordered a hummus sandwich. Henry had the kids pasta (because of the bread sticks) and Nora... well... the ubiquitous chicken fingers of course. I was skeptical of the sandwich but was really pleasantly surprised by a nice, fresh, well put together meal. I think I may go back at some point.
