Nora is in kindergarten. Henry is in third grade. God....
They are so brave. Nora's worried. I can tell. She is afraid, and she has a right to be. We are, in essence, entrusting her to someone else for a bit each day. Thank God we are only doing this for half a day. But still. Half day kindergarten is still somewhere else, with someone else. I really want them to stay. I am going to have a rough time with this growing up thing. I know it. It seems like it is all picking up speed and I just want it to slow a bit, let me get used to things...
Nora's kindergarten teacher better be a freakin saint. I am a part of that system...on purpose. I teach in the district that they both go to school in, and that was not a coincidence. I am here, watching out for both of them. Way more than they know. And I will be here, both behind the scenes and in plain view, making sure they are ok. What else could I do, I am their father.
We are not simple. Sometimes things can penetrate the simple cover we put over ourselves and stir what is deep in us. I keep watching this video. I like Bon Iver, a lot actually, and this is my favorite song off of this album. But it is the video that dug into me. When I first saw it I kept thinking the boy in the video reminded me of Henry. Today I realized that it wasn't Henry that I was seeing in this video, it was me.
We live in these enclosed machines that walk around and see what is around us through what amounts to windows. Like cars on two feet. I move through life much of the time like a spectator. I have distinct memories of being so confused by what happened around me. people. relationships. friends. enemies. family. strangers. I remember strongly feeling that the world would someday throw me off of it, and I had no idea how to hold on. I was desperate to somehow interact with what was outside of me. I still am. Like this boy who sees the water and skips a rock across it. Interact. Make it move. Affect it. Make it a part of you. Classify it. Know its name. Step up to the waterfall and raise your hands. Be a part of it. Make it a part of you.
I spent a while alone today. Its a rare privilege... I spent three hours alone, two of which I spent in the backyard lying down first on the grass and then in Henry's fort with Chaucer, who somehow managed to get himself up there with me. And I thought, and listened. I think the whole taking pictures thing for me is to somehow internalize what is outside of me. To take it with me and make it part of who I am. I want to know who I am. I can't find it in the people around me. Honestly, I have no idea who they really are. Even my own kids are growing in ways that I don't fully understand, seeing the world in ways that I don't, or can't. I need connection. I have a really hard time finding that connection in conversation with people. I am not good at that kind of thing.
I guess I see people the way the boy sees that ocean. Throw a rock in, make it react, make it a part of you. Beyond that... I'm not sure. Even the relationships I have with my own family, who I hold very close, seem to slide sideways and slip away sometimes. And as effectively as I can, I gather them back and hope for the best.
I need to breathe and be a part of what is around me. I need to receive and give with same motion. I need hand holds...security. To know deep down who I am and to see it reflected in what I do and surround myself with. Like the boy, who by the end of the video lays back and digs his hand into the black sand. To know who I am, and where I am and what that has to do with me. I think that boy is cradled there. Held up by the black sand under him.
This blog, my writing, is not just what I see, its who I am, told in pictures and words. Its my eye that is seeing these things and then taking it, and finally retelling it here, hoping that some of you will know that much more about me. Or maybe its so I can know me that much more.
Exhausted.... I woke up early today to hit Rietta Ranch. Henry wanted to go with me, so I woke him at 6:00 and we were off. IT was actually kind of a successful trip. I bought five books for my classroom library. My goal is to get books for $2.00 a piece. That's about what I can get them for on paperback swap. Henry bought three hotwheels, a comic book and a big quartz crystal. All for two dollars.. not too bad!
I came home today and had a few things to do. I did none of them. I was just completely wiped. Nora came flying downstairs before supper, throwing kicks and punches and dressed in a wolverine costume. She's pretty convincing. I can tell you, I wouldn't want to be the arch-nemesis that faced her. Its late, and I just put away the dishes. Need to sleep....
There are certain signs that the end of summer is imminent. One of those is the fair in the center of Templeton. It was today. Like most small town fairs, it is exactly the same every year. The same venders the same people. The same everything. It is comforting in a way though. I went today (Jen didn't want to go) with the kids and Chaucer, knowing exactly what would be there, and I was right, right down to Steve Laprise (My dad's neighbor) and his wagon full of puppies. Henry and Nora got cotton candy and honey sticks and begged for stuffed animals with leashes and cheap plastic guns that break after three uses. But I prevailed and walked away with money in my pocket, void of carne toys.
Another triumph of the day, Jen made a peach pie for the first time ever.... She told me it would be too hot to have a piece tonight... she was wrong.
Jenny was a dance major. I was not a dance major. However, in my complete ineptness, I found an art form that I love. There is something about the narrative... the storytelling that really communicates well with me. I am not talking about the dance that you see on tv.... god help me... So you say you can dance style. That is dance, but it isn't what I generally like... too dramatic and soap opraish. What really gets me going is deep, communicative, suggestive dance. The kind that can pull me in and speak in a new way. Like seeing something in a completely new light. Sometimes, dance can go there.
The Nymans, close friends of ours, wanted to go out with us for a quick mini-vacation. Two days tops. So, my mind headed out: East... Boston, Cape, Beach, north end? North: White mountains, um... royalston? South: Conneticut, Rhode Island, The Coast, Mystic, Il Forno? West: Amherst, North Hampton, Springfield, Greylock, Vermont? I was stumped. The things that I really wanted to do were too far away. We could have gone to Manchester Vermont, or Conway New Hampshire... but the ride trumped the destination. Jenny finally remembered Jacob's Pillow.
We have never gone. Its a nationally famous dance concert right in Massachusetts. So we went. The trip was great. We stayed in a nice, if not old and slightly ramshackle, Bed and Breakfast and had a great time. We spent one day at Jacob's pillow. There were two concerts, the first was by Mystic Ballet. and was free to the public. It may have had something to do with the setting (it was on an outside stage with the mountains as a backdrop) but I must say, I think I liked it better than the concert we paid for. That one was a hip hop kind of deal with some actually real choreography lending an amount of real depth to their athletics. Still, I felt like there was something missing a bit. I think that might have been the depth of the message communicated by the dancers. It fell just a tiny bit flat. The trip didn't though. We spent the next day eating out, and traveling home, with a quick detour to the Yankee Candle Factory. Our kids completely love it there. The Nymans are courteous, fun and easygoing. The whole trip was a lot of fun.
Summer, for me, is about finding the beauty in simplicity. Comet pond is exactly that. Its free, and clean and small. I love to take the kids there and let them go. Well... watched of course. But I take a book and seat and a few beach toys and towels and away we go. With summer closing soon, this is what I think of. The easiness of it all. Maybe this is another blessing of not having a ton of money. If I had it, I know I would want to go all over the place and busy myself doing crazy things, but really, when it comes down to it, its really just about who you are with and your state of mind. Both of these comfortably find their place at Comet beach in the summer.
